Storm Clouds

Where to start.

Four years, six months and 27 days.

That is how long we tried.

There were shots.

Ultrasounds.

Tests.

Surgery.

Trying.

Lots of trying.

Trying the old fashioned way.

Trying on a schedule.

Trying without a schedule.

Trying with IUI.

Trying with every ounce of trying we had.

But there was Frank.

Fibroid Frank, who isn't really a fibroid, but a mass with a really fancy name that I can't remember right now.  And Frank made his happy little home behind my uterus, bumping right up next to it so that he can't be removed without damaging my uterus in such a way it too, would have to be removed.  And he has been there for  years.  He has lived and thrived and grown.  Oh, how he has grown. He has pushed my left ovary out of the way for ever - hence it's name: Waldo.  But there was always the right guy.  The go to right ovary guy.  He was our saving grace.  Always full of follicles, he was going to see us through to the end. But then Frank grew.  And he has managed to push the ever faithful right ovary off to the side where he can't be reached. 

And with no available ovaries, there are no eggs. 

No eggs mean no IVF.

 No eggs, no IVF, no baby.

Thanks, Frank.

So we are done.  

We have given it every ounce of energy, every penny, every hope, every dream, every positive thought we had.

We gave it all.

We got back up with each set back and fought on, pushing through the hoops.

But this isn't the road that we are meant to take in our path to being parents.  

I'll never know why.

But I can't fight it - we did that.

It sucks.

It hurts.

It's frustrating.

I am angry.

I feel like I failed.

I feel like I failed my husband. 

My heart broke in a way I have never before experienced when I had to tell him that we were done.  

When I had to tell him I couldn't give him a baby, my heart shattered.

But through the rain and the clouds, there is always the sun.

And that sun is our next adventure:  Adoption.

This isn't how I pictured our family growing, I don't think either of us ever did, but it feels right. 

 It feels like this is the path we are meant to take.

What is this new path going to look like?  

We don't know.

What we do know is that we are on it together and we can't wait to see what we find along the way! 

And that's exciting!!

IUI . . . Take 2

Obviously I have a bit of updating to do.  We just had our second round of IUI.  

Round One . . . Clomid.  It wasn't as bad as I had read.  It wasn't as bad as I had heard.  It was ok and my ovaries LOVED it.  Four follicles on the right and on the left, well, who knows.  Lefty has a new name, Waldo.  He likes to disappear.  He moves away from the fallopian tube and is super difficult to find.  We aren't even sure he is close enough to the fallopian tube for the egg to make it where it needs to go.  So he is Waldo.  Waldo the Ovary.  He's a special one.  :-)

The Mister was super worried about multiples . . . really, really worried.  But he doesn't have to worry about that now.  Round one wasn't the one for us.  

So today was Round Two.  All around this round was MUCH better.  Not as many blood draws, only one ultrasound and we knew what we were doing this time.  The Mister gave me my shot with confidence, he was able to give his sample the day of the procedure so it didn't have to be frozen (Round one he had a HUGE work obligation, so we had to freeze his little guys which is always a little risky, but they were fine).  Frozen is fine, but fresh is always better! :-)  And my favorite nurse Jessie was there today.  She wasn't in the actual procedure, there were three other people for that, but she got me all checked in and ready to go.  I love her.  I don't know why, but she is so pleasant to be around, super optimistic and straightforward.  I  was super excited to see her this morning!

The actually IUI procedure isn't painful at all.  I felt much more relaxed going in to the procedure this morning.  My bladder was full (Round One I over extended my bladder and was in a TON of pain for the rest of the day so I learned a very valuable lesson!) but not too full.

This time there was only one follicle in the right ovary.  And we "think" Waldo had one as well.  No multiples this time, just one little bitty possibility which is perfect.  More than perfect.  

Now starts the waiting game.  12 days.  And unlike Round One, I only have one test.  I may have bought in bulk last time.  Ha.  Just one test this time on day 12.  

Fingers crossed!!!