Take Two

A glimpse into the unknown

Two months ago I went in for my day 3 ultrasound.  The plan was just to get my antral follicle count.  Turns out that was good!  In the right ovary, there were 16.  Good thing.  The left ovary? Well, we can't really see that one.  It's hidden by a cyst.  A large cyst.

That one, huge, ovary hiding cyst killed the plans for the Clomid Challenge Test and our first round of IUI.  Not cool, cyst. Not cool at all.

The plan was to come back in a month, for another day 3 ultrasound.  Thanks to an amazing vacation, two months passed and it was back to the clinic with fingers crossed.  Fingers crossed that that one, huge, ovary hiding cyst was gone.  Or at least had shrunk.  

Apparently that one, huge, ovary hiding cyst really likes living on my ovary.  So much so it actually GREW.  Seriously.  It grew.  It grew several centimeters.  It is sticking around and I am beginning to think I should name it.  George, maybe?

Not only is George taking up residence, but he has a roommate.   I also have a fibroid, behind my uterus.  Normally, fibroids don't cause much of an issue, especially when they are not IN the uterus.  But because my body is an over achiever in growing things it shouldn't grow . . . my fibroid that is behind my uterus, is so large, that it is pushing into the uterine cavity.  Awesome.  This isn't a huge problem, but it is a concern.  It will be more of a concern once George vacates and we begin IUI.  It could be difficult to maneuver around.  

Not too much had changed with the right ovary.  It's still hanging out, all alone (thank goodness!!!).  The antral follicle count was 14, which is still good.  

Now for the options.  We can wait and see if George goes away.  My gut is that he isn't going anywhere.  It's been two months and he has grown.  Waiting isn't my first choice.  The next choice is to do a needle aspiration, take all of the fluid out of George and see what he does.  I would have to go under for this procedure which does not sound like fun.  And then the third option, is to surgically remove the cyst and if they are already going to go in and remove George, then they would remove the fibroid as well.  I don't really like any of those options.

Next week we are going to meet with a surgeon and get a second opinion.  

What I would really like is a crystal ball.  A crystal ball that just shows me the path to take.  The path that will lead to a koala

38

38 . . . that is the number of times I have gotten my hopes up.  The number of times I have let myself wonder what if.  The number of times my heart has broken when realizing that it isn't my time yet.  But it's one less heart break I am going to experience.  It's one less disappointment. One day closer.

I never thought having a baby would be an easy journey for me.  A gut instinct.  A mother's intuition well before her time.  And as fate would have it, it hasn't been an easy journey.  Not even a slightly easy journey.  It's a one step forward, three steps back sort of journey.  But each day is still one day closer.

And honestly?  It sucks.  There is not other way to describe it.

Yesterday I found out two people in my life are pregnant (while were at the baptism for a third friend's child) which came the day after I was graced with the reminder that I wasn't going to get the best Mother's Day gift ever.  Yeah.  My reaction wasn't the best.  I cried.  I did.  It was an involuntary reaction.  It sucked.

I feel like this journey isn't something that is ok to talk about.  I don't know what to say and if I don't know what to say, how can I ever expect anyone else to say the right thing.  Is there a right thing to say?  I don't know.  It's a tough road to navigate.  For everyone, whether you are in the trenches of infertility or on the sidelines, watching someone go through it.  No one knows what to say or do.

I need a place to vent.  To word vomit.  To get it all out, so I don't have to hold on to it.  

I want a record of what I have gone through.  For me.  A place where when I get discouraged, I can look back and see just how far I have gone.  How I really am just one day closer to meeting that little person who is going to be the bee's knees and is going to rock my world and adore their Papa. 

One day closer . . .