Tricky

I have a friend . . . or maybe had a friend.  I don't know how I would classify our relationship now.    She got pregnant randomly with a guy who she was on again off again with.  The news of the baby changed everything.  They were all of a sudden back together, getting married, having a baby and living the happy perfect little life me and the Mister had been yearning for for years.  Years.  

I know they were in shock with the news of their new little person.  I get that.  But there were talks of abortion.  Jokes of putting it up for adoption.  Complaints of how hard life was now that she was pregnant - from both parties.  It sucked.  It hurt.  Here were people who were our very, very best couple friends and every single time we hung out with them, there was complaining and woe is me'ing.

They knew our situation.  I even put myself out there and told her EVERYTHING.  I said how hard it was for me to hear them talk about how this wasn't what they wanted.  But it didn't get better.  Rather than being excited to hang out with our friends, I began to dread it.  I would spend the entire drive home from their place in tears.  It hurt to hear all of this again and again.   It hurt even after the baby was born and majority of the conversation was filled with the normal new parent complaints - but I would have given anything to trade spots with them.   It really, really hurt.  It hurt to hear, but I think it hurt because it was coming from people who were supposed to be our best friends.  But they never stopped to think about what they were saying and how it was impacting both me and the Mister.  Because let's be very clear, I was not the only one impacted by the things that were said.  

I put up walls.  The Mister doesn't.  It's a trait of his I admire more than anything, a trait I pray our little koala inherits from it's papa.  Putting up walls, it's what I do.  I avoid situations where I have to be around them.  And as a result, we don't have a relationship anymore.  The Mister still hangs out with them from time to time.  But I don't.  

My actions have probably burned that bridge.  And it sucks.  I am not proud of it  I take responsibility for it.  I pay for it when I am uninvited to their house and am left off of invitations.  I should have done things differently.   I wish I was stronger.  I wish I had thicker skin.  I wish I could let what people say just roll off my back rather than internalizing it.  I wish I didn't have such high standards for others.  I wish I was able to put my walls back down.  I wish I didn't expect people to know what to say and what not to say to people struggling with infertility.  They don't and why would they?  Infertility isn't something that is openly discussed.  Ever.

Today I was stumbling around Pinterest, taking it easy after IUI Round Two and I found this blog entry.  It takes everything I want people to know and puts it into words in a way that I can't.  Maybe if I had found this earlier and wasn't so quick to put up my walls this would have helped and I still would have my friend. 

IUI . . . Take 2

Obviously I have a bit of updating to do.  We just had our second round of IUI.  

Round One . . . Clomid.  It wasn't as bad as I had read.  It wasn't as bad as I had heard.  It was ok and my ovaries LOVED it.  Four follicles on the right and on the left, well, who knows.  Lefty has a new name, Waldo.  He likes to disappear.  He moves away from the fallopian tube and is super difficult to find.  We aren't even sure he is close enough to the fallopian tube for the egg to make it where it needs to go.  So he is Waldo.  Waldo the Ovary.  He's a special one.  :-)

The Mister was super worried about multiples . . . really, really worried.  But he doesn't have to worry about that now.  Round one wasn't the one for us.  

So today was Round Two.  All around this round was MUCH better.  Not as many blood draws, only one ultrasound and we knew what we were doing this time.  The Mister gave me my shot with confidence, he was able to give his sample the day of the procedure so it didn't have to be frozen (Round one he had a HUGE work obligation, so we had to freeze his little guys which is always a little risky, but they were fine).  Frozen is fine, but fresh is always better! :-)  And my favorite nurse Jessie was there today.  She wasn't in the actual procedure, there were three other people for that, but she got me all checked in and ready to go.  I love her.  I don't know why, but she is so pleasant to be around, super optimistic and straightforward.  I  was super excited to see her this morning!

The actually IUI procedure isn't painful at all.  I felt much more relaxed going in to the procedure this morning.  My bladder was full (Round One I over extended my bladder and was in a TON of pain for the rest of the day so I learned a very valuable lesson!) but not too full.

This time there was only one follicle in the right ovary.  And we "think" Waldo had one as well.  No multiples this time, just one little bitty possibility which is perfect.  More than perfect.  

Now starts the waiting game.  12 days.  And unlike Round One, I only have one test.  I may have bought in bulk last time.  Ha.  Just one test this time on day 12.  

Fingers crossed!!!