Wonderings

I have heard that I will know when it is time to move on from this koala quest.  

Somehow I would just know.

I think I am almost there.  

The clinic isn't moving too fast with their new accreditation.  It's not their fault . . . it is a slow process. I get that.  

But this past month has been shot free, med free, scheduled sex free, appointment free, procedure free and I have kinda liked it.  Like I have REALLY liked it.  It was probably one of the first months since dating the Mister that I haven't been totally consumed with the what if/maybe/hopefully thoughts.  And I don't miss them.  At all.  This was the first month in YEARS that I didn't cry when my period started.  Not even one tear.

I feel like I have me back.  I am not trying to do something because I am told to and that is a very freeing feeling.  I am in charge of me not an appointment book.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else.  I might be crazy.  

Since I mentioned crazy . . . am I just trying to pretend that I am ready to stop and not go any further because I don't want to be hurt and crushed if it doesn't work out?  

I have been known to put a stop to things/people/relationships just on the off chance I might get hurt.  

Is that what I am doing?

I don't know.

I am scared of IVF not working and that really is the end of the line.  There aren't really any options after that to have our own baby.  And what if we are on the adoption waiting list for years and years and no one wants us to raise their baby either?  

I know I could do the what if's all day . . . and all night . . . but they are there and I can't make them go away.